I'm an endangered species (Eating Disorder Awareness Week)

From all my life experiences, observations of those around me, taking in the messages from the media, talking to neighbors and loved ones, I have finally come to this conclusion:


I am a member of an endangered species.

What species you ask? "Fat woman who is not trying to become less fat." And I don't just mean that I'm "between diets" or just not trying to lose weight right NOW. I mean I honestly don't care about losing weight anymore, ever. I don't own a scale. I don't weigh myself. I eat what I like. I exercise and play cause I love it. If I don't like it or it makes me feel icky, I don't do it.

I've spent my time being on the other species, actually several other species. Let me paint a picture of the different species I have been a member of, in chronological order, although this is a VERY truncated version. Believe me, there are millions of women in each of these species. (Please note I'm using the phrase "fat girl" throughout, even though I am a woman, not a girl, but this started when I was a girl. And "fat" is not a value judgment, it is just a trait, like short or tall. I don't use this phrase as an insult, so please don't take it in that way.)


Thriving Species
Average girl who thinks she's fat.
Average girl who eats emotionally and becomes actually fat.
Fat girl who is actually, physically addicted to sugar and comfort eating.
Fat girl who knows that being fat is completely unacceptable.
Fat girl who decides she won't be a fat girl anymore
Fat girl dieting.
Fat girl losing weight.
Fat girl failing.
Fat girl binging.
Fat girl deciding (again) it's not okay to be a fat girl.
Fat girl dieting.
Fat girl losing weight
Fat girl falling off the wagon (again).
Fat girl binging and becoming even more fat than when she started (the "yo-yo-ing up the scale" phenomenon)
Fat girl eating ANYTHING sweet just to get a fix, without knowing if she even likes the food that much.
Fat girl deciding it's not okay to be a fat girl.
Fat girl tired of not being loved, of not being desired, of not being "ok" cause she's fat. Being fat is not okay.
Fat girl giving up sugar entirely.
Fat girl detoxing from sugar.
Fat girl losing a LOT of weight.
Fat girl is now average girl.
Average girl missing out on food with family and friends.
Average girl exhausted from undernourishment and overexercise.
Average girl still not happy
Average girl reaching out to friends and making treats for a party.
Average girl falling off the wagon BIG TIME and eating all the leftover treats from the party.
Average girl gaining weight and continuing a 3-year-long binge "last supper" while still off the wagon. (Cause she knows she'll have to get back on the wagon soon, so she has to eat the stuff she loves NOW while she still can.)
Fat girl sick and tired of this cycle that has been repeated more times than she can count.
Fat girl wishing she was still the "fat girl" of a couple decades ago, when she was actually just average, instead of approaching morbid obesity. Why couldn't she just have been happy with that? She'd kill to be that "fat girl" again now. 

By the way... all that ^^ is not just a "normal" cycle.  It's very disordered.  Dieting is disordered eating, and contributes to actual eating disorders.  I have had an eating disorder for most of my life.  Yes, with an actual diagnosis by actual professionals.  Dieting mentalities contribute to eating disorders.

Here's where we begin to get into an evolutionary tangent that does not have as many women in it, and I have become more and more endangered, as I know precious few people who join me where I'm at.

Endangered Species
Fat girl starting to think: do I really want to count calories for the rest of my life? Do I actually LIKE jogging and doing exercise videos? (The answer is no.) Do I actually want to lose weight so I can appeal to the men and other people who I currently feel are shallow for ignoring me the way I am now? Why would I want to be associated with people that are shallow? Why do I even care about their opinion? Whenever I go to the doctor and get lots of tests and stuff, they always find that I am perfectly healthy, to my surprise since I'm so big. Can someone actually be fat AND fit at the same time? Am I actually okay the way I am? Can I go ahead and accept myself as-is, and stop punishing myself physically and mentally? How much stuff could I get done if I didn't spend so much time obsessing about food, calories in, calories burned, exercise, weight, dating, my looks, etc.? How much more attractive and happy would I actually be, just by becoming confident and content with myself?

This kind of thinking has eventually landed me in my current species:  Fat girl NOT trying to become less fat.

This revolution has taken a couple years. It began with a dedication to STOP dieting, and STOP weighing myself. I've been successful with that and am committed to it. My brain and body are still adjusting. I have gained a little more weight and then come to a stopping point since then. I'm no longer yo-yo-ing my way up the scale, I'm just stable where I am. I still eat a lot of foods I love, cause no food is off-limits.  But I don't eat junk just to get some calories or some sweetness out of desparation, I actually eat things I like.  I no longer hoard and hide food and eat thousands of calories in one sitting, in secret, cause it's so shameful to eat foods you like.  I eat out in the open and no longer try to hide.  I no longer binge.  And I do physical things I actually like- biking, swimming, playing with my kids, hiking.  I even tried snowshoeing recently which was a blast.  I do NOT jog or do exercise videos.

My brain and body are learning to trust the fact that food will always be there. I won't make it forbidden ever again. So there are still cravings there, and I do still believe there is a bit of a physical dependence on sugar (that's a whole different topic for another day if anyone is interested).  But I also LOVE a variety of foods, and nothing is "good" or "bad", it's just food, some of which makes me feel great and some doesn't make me feel that great so I cut back on or avoid those that don't feel good to my body.

This revolution for me though, is really about self-acceptance and changing my paradigm about body image, society, etc.  It's okay to be any size, just like it's okay to be any color.  If you use things like race, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status in place of "fat", it really makes it clear what JERKS we are all being to ourselves and each other.

Fat girl decides it's not okay to be a fat girl.
Black woman decides it's not okay to be a black woman.
Gay man decides it's not okay to be a gay man.
Hispanic teenager decides it's not okay to be a hispanic teenager.


Do you see my point?

I see people all around me in various stages of that Thriving Species list.  Friends, colleagues, loved ones, going to extreme measures.  Exercising 10 times per week, tracking and counting every single bit of food they eat, having nothing but crackers for lunch, eating a total of 800 calories per day, making certain foods that they really love "forbidden", and so forth.  (For an explanation of why low-calorie diets are BAD for your body and your metabolism, you can see this post I did.)

I just wish these great people would realize how detrimental it is to be there, and instead join me here in my species.  Cause it's not just a species of NOT trying to lose weight.  It's the species of loving yourself, no matter what, and appreciating the GIFT that your body is, no matter what.  It's not about being unhealthy, or being fat, or "giving up" on something.  It's about loving yourself.  Respecting yourself.  Taking good care of yourself.

Change your evolutionary trajectory, it's not up to chance, it's your choice.  Choose to love yourself and see your body as a gift.  Use it as a tool to do all the AWESOME you have going on in your life.  Make your body your friend and ally.  To do that you have to stop treating it like the enemy.  Cause we're all friends here.






As my friend Lisa D'Alessio just beautifully said: 

Why I'm Not Making "Resolutions": A Case Against Dieting

I haven't made New Year's Resolutions for a long time, but I do still enjoy making goals for myself.  I do it twice a year, in January and July typically.  I write down goals of stuff I plan to do anyway, not lofty crazy things.  This year I plan to graduate from college!  Let me tell you about why I no longer follow the "New Year's Resolutions" crowd.

The scene may be familiar to you, you may have even done it yourself in the past few days.  You might be gearing up to do it right now!  The thinking goes something like this:

"Okay, self.  This is it.  We've been slovenly and stupid, but THIS is a new year!  This is THE year, this is OUR year, the year we ______[turn 25/ turn 30/ graduate from college/ stop being stupid]_____ and it's going to be the year we transform our body as well!  Let's DO this!"

Feeling all pumped up, you set out to make a goal real by writing it down and planning it out.  The actual goal is unstated and goes something like this: "transform my physical body into something unrecognizable but totally hot, sexy, and above all: acceptable to others."  For me this particular body has never existed since I've always been a fat girl, but I just knew it could exist.

So, time to get writing.  I knew I had to set SMART goals, which included being specific, having time limits, writing it down, etc. Mine were usually about like this: "Okay, I want to lose 100 pounds this year, that's just 2 pounds per week- that's totally healthy and doable!  So, I will completely stop eating all sugar and sweets.  It'll be hard but it's worth it and I can do it.  I will only eat 1200 calories per day and I might even lose weight faster than my goal, and be really looking good by summer!  And of course I will have to exercise, so I will work out 30 minutes, 6 days per week.  I'll swim Mon/Wed/Fri, jog and strength train the other days, and go on a big hike for an hour every Saturday,"  and so on, you get the idea.  I plan every detail and set helps in place, like trying to find workout buddies, getting into online support groups, buying a year gym membership ahead of time so I have no excuse there, maybe buy new running shoes (even though I hate running), throwing out all the sweets in my house, etc.  Environmental control.


These are great goals that I have envisioned a dozen times as the key to "releasing" the real me out of its fat suit prison.  But here was the problem.  They were lofty, they were a stark shift from what I had been used to, they were unsustainable, and in fact they were unhealthy and setting me up for failure.

How will your body react if your norm is to eat around 2,500 calories per day, and only a little walking as your physical activity, and you suddenly cut your food intake by HALF and jump up to a "perfect" workout regimen?  My body reacted like this, as would most:  "Holy crud!!  What the hell is going on?!!  We must be starving, and running to try to find food! What apocalypse is going on out there?  Oh man, this is it, this is the end.  Emergency!  Emergency!  Going to code red- crisis management mode!"  My body senses a sudden catastrophic world event on many January 1st's.

Now time for the science nerd in me to come out.  What happens physiologically while on a low-calorie diet that your body is not used to, is that all food coming in as much as possible will be stored as fat for later in case the emergency gets even worse, and muscle gets broken down to be used for quick energy.  Cause if you're in a crisis, keeping your brain well-fed, and planning for the worst is top priority.  Your brain is not able to use energy from fat, and if you are starving your brain by eating a severely low-calorie diet, muscle is the quickest way to get energy to your brain.  Your body doesn't really have a way to tell how much fat it already has stored so that it can "cap" it at a certain amount, which is why you can get very morbidly obese people.  Your body will just keep making more fat when it is in these crises even though you already have a lot, or when there is a plain old excess of energy coming in.  Losing that muscle lowers my energy and makes sustaining this plan much more difficult.

(That was the cliff-notes version.  If you would like more details on why your brain doesn't use up your fat and a basic run-down on how energy is metabolized in your body, I got you covered.  But I'll put it on my science blog so as not to bog this post down.  Click here for that.  Bio Geo Nerd: Your Metabolism Doesn't Know It's the New Year )

Think of it like a budget crisis.  You're going along with a good job, everything is good, then you lose your job.  You have no money.  You pare down your budget and only pay for the ABSOLUTE necessities, taking more and more out of the budget that you possibly can.  First you get rid of perks like entertainment, start getting things at thrift stores, eventually you might even have to sell your car and take the bus, or even lose your home.  Occassionally you get some money as a gift, and you stick all of it in your savings to help get through this crisis since you have no idea how long it will last, and you continue to live on the bare minimum and leave your savings alone.  This is crisis mode.  
 
And the worst part, is that doing this screws up my metabolism.  So when the diet fails cause I can't sustain starvation (duh), my body has now gotten VERY good at making fat.  And it keeps using that talent, especially now that I'm back up to my normal 2,500 calories per day average.  Going on that diet just doomed me to being BETTER at storing energy (fat).  Just like our budget analogy, if you were able to get through the crisis by being miserly with your money, you will continue those habits and can build wealth while living on almost nothing.  That's great if I'm going to end up walking hundreds of miles in search of resources that have disappeared due to some catastrophic natural disaster, but for me living in the 21st century and wanting to get fit and also be attractive to others, it's not good news.

And guess what?  I've done this to myself dozens and dozens of times!  I've been helping my body hone those skills to be metabolically conservative, and been getting fatter and fatter.  My metabolism is in a bad state for the world I live in.  And I did it to myself.  By dieting.  I have "yo-yo dieted" my way UP the scale for the past 2+ decades, and now here I am.

Food and my body have been the enemy. My mental state of being completely obsessed about food, weight, dieting, my body have caused an eating disorder of the mind.  Through much counseling and introduction to the book "Intuitive Eating", I realized I had to quit dieting for good, and also learning about the Physiology and Biochemistry of it clenched that.

So, I don't diet.  I don't make weight-related New Year's Resolutions.  There may be some people who have not screwed up their body as badly as I have. I hope you haven't restricted yourself to the point that your body and brain are starving, and your body has to develop the talent of living on a shoe-string calorie budget.  It does a good job of scrimping, saving, putting away every calorie it possibly can, like a true miser.  I can just imagine my metabolism as an Ebeneezer Scrooge- never putting coal on the fire, but instead, hoarding all the gold into the money bins of my fat cells.
So instead, I choose to live an abundant life.  Enjoy food, really enjoy it.  When I eat what I want and actually pay attention to how great it is, and when I don't make any certain foods "the enemy", I can enjoy the pleasure of eating without overeating, and without guilting myself into wanting those forbidden foods more.  When I deprive myself I end up eating a lot of stuff I don't even like just to get a sugar "hit" or try to satisfy cravings with low-cal junk that makes me more hungry.  I'm letting my body know I'm there to take care of it.  I'm not going to jerk it around anymore with deprivation-abundance cycles.  I'm regaining my body's trust, however long it takes. I'm just going to take care and enjoy life, and my body and I are going to be on the same side.

Me last October, RIDICULOUSLY excited to be out riding with my kids.

Have a blessed 2015!

Poverty nutrition

Some people may not realize it, but poverty contributes to poor health.  Not just for the obvious mental stress of living on a shoestring budget, no time to work out or money for a gym membership or fitness equipment.  But let's talk food.

Let's do a thought experiment.  Imagine you are a single mother with two children.  You work to try to make ends meet and provide for yourself, and get about $200 per month in food stamps. Your income goes to rent and other bills, so you try to stick with only your food stamps for food.  Besides, you still have to use your "real" money to buy non-food necessities like soap, toothpaste, and toilet paper.

$50 per week to feed a family of 3.  Let's look at two hypothetical grocery bills for a week's worth of food.  The healthy and the budget-conscious.  (Prices estimated from my own shopping experiences in Provo, Utah.)

Image source

Health-friendly
One loaf of whole grain bread - $3.00
Peanut butter - $3.00
Three gallons of milk - $9.00
2 boxes whole grain cereal (Raisin Nut Bran, frosted mini wheats)- $8.00
Fresh spinach - $2.50
Lettuce, cabbage, kale, other greens & veggies for salads - $10.00
Blueberries - $4.00
Apples - $6.00
Bananas - $5.00
Frozen fruit for smoothies - $10.00
Greek yogurt - $4.00
Quinoa - $8.00
Brown rice - $6.00
Whole grain pasta - $5.00
Frozen vegetables - $6.00

Oh wait......I'm already up to $89.50 with the whole grains and produce, and I haven't even bought any meat, cheese, condiments, or snacks....All this healthy food would be enough to cover breakfast for the week, snacks, lunches (Peanut Butter sandwiches for the kids, salads with no dressing for the mom), and about half of the items needed for dinners.  How filling will these foods be?  Will the kids eat them and be satisfied?  Well, since we went way over, the $50 would probably only get the produce and no whole grains.  Can you fill up on fruit and vegetables only?

Let's try again being a little more budget-conscious.
Budget-friendly
Loaf of white bread - $1.00
Peanut butter - $3.00
14 Ramen noodles - $3.50
7 Canned corn or green beans - $3.50
3 gallons milk - $9.00
2 boxes cheap cereal (store brand Cheerios most likely) - $5.00
Pasta - $2.00
Rice - $3.00
Pasta sauce - $2.00
5 Packaged meal items (Stove Top, Mac & Cheese) - $5.00
1 pound ground beef, high fat - $3.00
1 pound chicken - $4.00
Bag of chips - $2.00
Package of cookies - $2.00
Granola bars for snacks - $2.00

That's better, $50.00 exactly and we covered all the meals and snacks this time.  We've packed the cart and our bodies with salt, fat, sugar, and processed foods.  Vitamins?  Not many- probably just in the fortified cereal.  Fresh fruits or vegetables?  None.  Whole grains?  None.  Lean meats? None. But our family is fed and doesn't go hungry.


Was that surprising?  I hope it was eye-opening for some.  Is it any wonder so many of us are obese?  Unhealthy food is cheap and easy to come by, easy to prepare.

What if you were homeless?  If all you have for preparing food is a microwave at a shelter, and no access to a fridge, what then?  This great article answers that question: Why Judging People for Buying Unhealthy Food is Classist

And, when given freedom with some extra money, what would a homeless person really want to buy?  What I Learned After Taking a Homeless Woman Shopping

Another story to illustrate this.  One day I was shopping at Big Lots, which has a small section of non-perishable groceries at low prices.  A woman approached me with a box of Nutri-Grains and $2 in her hand and asked if I could spare any money for her to get something to eat.  I told her I had no cash.  But when she got behind me in the checkout line, I asked the cashier to add her purchase to mine.  She thanked me.  Coincidentally, we both then walked to the grocery store nearby and I happened to get in the checkout line behind her there.  With her $2 she was able to get some fresh cut vegetables with dip to add to her Nutri-Grain meal.  Notice what item had to come first in priority (processed, cheap, more filling), and what a little extra money could then give her the freedom for (healthy).


I can relate to these stories in a small way because I've lived on food stamps as a single mom for a very long time.  I also was homeless for one week (lived in a hotel paid for by someone else).  It was definitely limiting to only get to cook with a microwave.  We had lots of Cup Noodles and canned soup that week.  At least I was lucky enough to have a small fridge, and free all-you-can-eat hotel breakfast every morning.


One last caveat to poverty and food, at least for me.  This may surprise people.  It surprised me when I came to the realization. When you have no money to go to a movie, buy yourself new pants, get snow boots for your kids, etc., that is a very helpless-feeling situation to be in.  Your "real" money is always lacking, and the bank account frequently goes into the negative.  There are no fun things or perks unless you have people giving you things, cause you can't even afford all the necessities.

But the ONE thing that is constant is food stamps.  During the times (like now) when I'm lucky enough to have a good amount of food stamps coming in, that is the one area of my financial life where I have freedom, within a certain limit of course.  I cannot "treat" myself to a movie, new clothes or jewelry, or hardly even afford to pay a babysitter so I can have a night out with friends.  What is the ONE thing I CAN treat myself with?

You guessed it: food.
Let the cookies and ice cream flow.

That's the only way to reward myself for my hard work, or even unwind after the stressful days.  (Now I'm not condoning this, I've definitely had an unhealthy relationship with sweet foods my whole life, there are better ways to treat yourself and unwind.  Just none so FREE and easy, and enjoyable, for me.)

Now, I do love healthy food.  I could treat myself to a nice Pomegranate or smoothie and I often do, but back to the cost again, it would take 10 times as many pomegranates to fill me up as it would ice cream, at about 20 times the cost (A single pomegranate is $2.50, and a whole carton of ice cream is the same price.).  Junk food is much cheaper to fill up on than healthy food, as I established at the beginning.

Why the importance of "filling up"?  Well this is a curious thing I have found.  Hunger pains make me feel helpless.  They bring home that feeling of poverty and lack of control over my own financial life.  Those fat-filled sweets take that feeling away a LOT quicker and keep it away longer, so I can focus on my schoolwork, for a much lower hit to the grocery budget.

So the next time you feel tempted to judge what is in someone else's grocery cart, please remember you might not know the whole story.  All of this is not me trying to make excuses, but point out the natural limitations for those in poverty.  Please be kind.  Maybe even buy the next homeless person you see a Pomegranate. ;)

Happy alone

This was shared on Facebook today and was another reminder of something people have been trying to get through my head for a long time.

I like the company of others so much but I end up relying on that for my peace and happiness.  So then when I don't have people around supporting me, I feel my life being very tumultuous and unhappy.  To attempt to fill the void that has been left by ex-husbands, ex-boyfriend, deceased mother, stroke-victim-half-paralyzed father, and lack of close friendships, I feel like I am constantly reaching out.  Reaching out for someone to fill the void for me.  I try to hang out with people, try to be seen as cool in their eyes, always hoping to find a "best friend" - someone that will love me and want me in their life just as much as I love and want them.  That never seems to work out.

So, I turn to social media.  I go to Facebook, I look for anything people have said to me...not much.  I try to start interesting or controversial conversations so people will say stuff.  That sometimes works for a while.  When all that fails, I scroll.  And scroll.  And scroll.  Read articles, look for things to comment on, think of things to say or pictures to post.  Grasping at friendship straws.  And it usually comes up fruitless.  And then I feel frustrated with myself for wasting so much time on Facebook doing "nothing".  This endless social frustration has caused me to deactivate my Facebook account a few times, and make dramatic exits as I go on a 2-week Facebook fast, inviting people to call or text me cause I won't be around.  Strangely enough, usually no one contacts me.  I am not sure if it's because people don't care about me, or if they simply forget I exist since there is no longer anything reminding them of my presence on their timeline feed each day.

This summer I feel I did pretty well with this being alone stuff.  Cause I had the time and resources to actually do a lot of things for myself that I really enjoyed.  We went to the pool at least 3 times a week.  I read several books.  I rode my bike, I worked on projects in my house, and I invited different friends over frequently to do stuff with me.  It was the best summer I've had in a while.  I was trying to be happy and enjoy myself, while inviting others to join me in the fun, but not so much depending on that.  I'm sure I was still trying to fill some voids, but it was definitely better than I am now.  I don't have the time and resources during the school year as much to be alone and enjoy it.

I feel the itch again to leave Facebook.  I get so tired of the superficial relationships it breeds.  It's my fault cause I rely on that and hope that these people who probably don't actually like or care about me that much will want to be actual friends.  A simple "like" does not leave me content.  I want real conversations and intimacy with others.  Real friendship.

But in order to get that and attract other people who want the same instead of the arm's length relationships of social media, I'll have to be genuine to myself and happy alone.  Perhaps people don't want to spend time with me cause they can sense when I'm desperately trying to fill a need, rather than graciously letting them enjoy my awesome company while I enjoy theirs.  The past summer was more about enjoying the company of friends, rather than needing anything, necessarily.

Here's something I found.  When you forgo the things that you want in order to feel included, you can be sure that that balance is out of whack. ... Focus on friendships that let you be more you.

Click for quote and picture source

I have made progress in this area.  There are friends I thought I wanted to be really close to, but after spending some time with them I realized I didn't want to be as close because they are a negative influence or we just don't have much in common.  Others I was surprised to find that we have tons in common and I'm really glad we became friends, cause I never would have thought about seeking them out as a friend before that.

So, I have a goal to be happy with myself and spend more time with myself, my thoughts, etc.  To figure out who I am, what I really want, what I believe, what I enjoy, etc.  To just be alone with myself, without distractions of social media or anything else.  I am going to spend at least 1 hour per week enjoying nature and exploring my thoughts and feelings.  This will probably look like taking a bike ride or hike, and sitting to journal among trees, mountains, rivers, whatever I can find that brings me joy, peace, and serenity.

I am also going to start a list of my beliefs and values.  It's almost like a checklist of reminders for myself of lessons I have already learned and want to remind myself of.  I plan to read it regularly, perhaps even daily.  Almost like the cheesy daily affirmations, but way cooler.  This should help me to solidify who I am and being cool with myself.  Cause if I start repeating something daily it will probably become very quickly apparent whether I actually believe it or not. My hope is that this will get me more in touch with who I am, both so I can be happy alone, and to ensure that I'm not conceding important things about myself just in an attempt to be liked by others.

depression poem

I had a goal this year to write a poem, so here's my limerick I wrote in like 2 minutes flat.  Maybe I'll do it more often.

depression
my brain does not like to be bothered
to study, to clean, or to mother.
i sit here at home
to wallow alone
and avoid others getting smothered.

Grieving the After

This summer I did something that was incredibly difficult and scary.  I gave away an entire wardrobe's worth of clothing in my "goal size".  These clothes were things I wore at about age 17-21.  I'm 34 now, and about 3 or 4 sizes above that collection of clothing.  I dutifully held on to these items because they were my favorite clothes- there was some really cute stuff in there!  And OF COURSE, I would get to that size again...some day.  I wouldn't want to have to go out and spend hundreds of dollars replacing all those clothes WHEN I got back to that size!

I've taken many "before" pictures in my life, sat down and planned out my "miraculous transformation to come", wrote down every workout, every calorie limit and possible "cheat" day to stick with the healthy goal of losing 2 pounds per week.  In fact, the box this clothing was stored in was labeled, "Julie's clothes Summer 2008".  That was the time period I had estimated I'd be able to fit in them again, after my careful planning out of the exact path to take to this glorious "after".

So when it was time to clean out and get rid of my storage unit this summer, I took a long hard look at this wardrobe I had been saving.  I took them out and looked longingly at my jeans and black pants that I fondly remember feeling so great wearing - I even got asked out on a date (something that almost never happened to me) by a complete stranger while wearing those clothes!  That means, this guy who knew NOTHING about me, asked me out based solely on looks...ME!  What a thrilling day that was. How nice it would be to have that experience again.  But for that to happen, I have to fit in those clothes again.

So then why did I give the clothes away?  Why would I waste money and give up my inspiration to be healthy?  I remember once even hanging those jeans up on my wall in an attempt to inspire myself daily to exercise and avoid eating the sweets I loved, so that I could once again be sexy, confident, and acceptable to males.

Why did I get rid of them?  I'll tell you why.  Because I decided to be kind to myself.  I decided I love myself.  I decided that I am awesome the way I am - NOT ONE POUND LIGHTER.  I will no longer subject myself to the self-inflicted abuse of putting life off until I get to my "after".  My life is here and now.  I got rid of those clothes because I gave myself permission to go ahead and live.

Believe me, letting it go was a hard thing to do.  I hesitated.  I regretted.  I bargained.  I cried.  And after they were gone, I breathed.  Then I smiled.  And then I went on with my awesome life.

(Thanks again to Militant Baker for doing this Smash the Scale thing at the beginning of this year.  I took another big step by grieving the "after".)

Far from careless CARlessness

One month today.  The amount of time I have been living without a car.  Here are some things I have learned.

• Not having to pay car insurance, gas, repairs, maintenance, registration, saves a lot of money each month- I love it!  Now if someone would buy my car I could also add that financial benefit to the list...I want to buy better bikes for my oldest son and me!
• Bike repairs are almost constant with 3 bikes and a trailer we use regularly.  I just patched a hole in my inner tube last week, and need to repair one on the trailer now and replace my son's broken bike chain.  Obviously the repairs are a lot cheaper, but more time-consuming for me and more frequent than with a car.
• Drivers are pedestrian-and-cyclist-stupid.  Seriously, you do see those things called cross walks painted on the road at the intersection, right?  That's not your stop line.  The stop line is BEHIND the cross walk. I think every driver should be required to travel by bike with children for a month to get a little perspective on how stupid they're being.
• Lessons can be for life.  I'm grateful that my dad taught me how to patch up a bike tube back when I was probably 12.  I still have vivid memories of that lesson, and have applied what I learned, greater than 20 years later!
• Being without a car is limiting.  I cannot just pick up and go whenever I'd like.  I have to plan ahead, sometimes spending hours a week figuring out bus schedules, biking distances, timing so I don't miss the train, etc.
• Being without a car is freeing.  I feel empowered that I can get around and survive just fine without a car and save a good deal of money.  This baffles a lot of people.  Many adults from the generation before mine were shocked and totally incredulous when they heard of my plans to stop using a car.  They tried to advise me against it.
• Sacrificing teaches appreciation for things.  I appreciate distances a lot more.  Traveling a distance of 10 miles is very different depending on your mode of traversing it.  Having to spend hours on commuting around has really helped me appreciate the time available to me and to use it well.
• Appreciation for things teaches sacrifice.  I have an appreciation for money since I have precious little of it.  Because of that and this no-car experience, I'd rather sacrifice car use even when I do have one, and take the bus and ride my bike at any logical opportunity in order to save money for more important stuff.  Appreciation for clean air to breathe and not screwing up the environment more also leads me to these same sacrifices.
• I can do hard things.  For the past month I have done my grocery shopping by riding to the store in the company of children on their own bikes, and a trailer attached to mine for bringing things home.  I then ride those 50-some-odd pounds of food up a big hill to my house.  Every time I do it without having to get off the bike and walk, I just feel like doing a victory dance.  (After I catch my breath!)

I'm glad I have been able to do this, and I hope to continue without a car for the rest of the year, possibly even until next summer.  I have a lot of gratitude for the public transportation system, especially the train!  And I love that my university values it and offers very inexpensive yearly bus passes to the students.  That's the only reason I can even do things this way.  (Thanks UTA and UVU!)
There's nothing like riding a bike with the wind in my hair, enjoying the sunlight and fresh air.  It's really fun and enjoyable!  But my favorite part?  Every time I ride past the gas station, complete with the giant signs saying, "Unleaded $3.65/ gal, Premium $3.75/ gal" I just have to grin and chuckle to myself.  I'm sorry most of the rest of you are still paying those prices.  I'll try not to rub it in that I'm not.