Wednesday, December 30, 2015

New Years Scale Monster

Hearing talk of New Year's Resolutions, and suffering some unfortunate social consequences for myself recently has gotten me thinking (moping) for a couple days about myself and wondering if I should "try" to lose weight again so my life can be better.  (I know there are many many people who are "concerned" about me and would encourage me to lose weight.  I can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices without them having to say anything.)

But you know what I just realized?  I don't have a clue how much I weigh.  I haven't owned a bathroom scale for many years now.  And I truly honestly thank God for that.  Because for those years, I have had freedom from self-hatred, self-punishment, self-deprivation, and so many other things.  I don't have access to the data that I used to judge, scold, berate, and hate myself with on a daily basis and sometimes a dozen times per day.

I still have other data, of course, like what size of clothes I have to buy, the fact that most guys won't talk to me, little kids who ask me why I'm so fat, and the stories all around me of people who change their life and are happy, healthy, and beautiful now- all because they lost weight.  Not to mention overhearing the droves of people who congratulate and praise those people for having done that.

So, yeah I'd like to have all those benefits that people who lose a bunch of weight get.  I'd like to have better dating opportunities, get more compliments, have more energy, etc. 

But make no mistake!  I NEVER EVER EVER want to go back to living with that monster on my bathroom floor that dictated how happy or unhappy I could be that day, how much I needed to hate myself, what type of punishment I might need to inflict a bit more so I'd make better progress toward my goals, or if I should just give everything up and kill myself and remove the burden from the world of having to put up with me being in it.  (Sounds dramatic, but that is VERY often how my thinking went due to a lifetime of disordered thinking about body image and all the very real social and practical consequences of being fat my whole life.)

I know it's taking me a very long time to get around to doing something about my supposed "health" and that disappoints a lot of people, but I am still in the middle of doing the first big important thing for my health- shedding the ideas and ideals that got my body to where it is in the first place, and no longer making my body a big, fat, evil enemy that I have to hate, control, and abuse into submission.  Since society, friends and family are constantly reminding me of those ideas, ideals, and attitudes, this has been and still is a very difficult thing to do.  The majority of people have bought in to everything the diet industry wants us to.

But I do think I have made progress because for the most-part, I appreciate my body so much more than I used to.  I don't look in the mirror with hatred and disgust any more.  I even like what I see a lot of the time. I enjoy using my body to do fun things like swim, bike, and hike.  I measure success and health by how I FEEL, and what my doctor says about my health (which is usually very positive), not what the measurements say.  I dress in clothes that fit and are comfortable and make me feel cute (when I can find clothes like that, which is difficult and another story for another time).  I don't waste money on too-small "goal" clothes, and I have even gotten rid of an entire wardrobe worth of really old "goal" clothes that I had been carrying around with me for over 15 years, like some demented ball-and-chain-of-shame.

It still really sucks to be a fat girl.  I still hate it.  But the crucial distinction is that this hatred is no longer aimed at MYSELF.  I am pretty accepting of myself, and just wish more people around me would come over to my side, and allow me, themselves, and everyone else to enjoy the benefits of just being a human being, no matter what their bodies are shaped like.

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