Vulnerability

Today I was privileged to watch this TED talk, which really resonated with me.  Do yourself a favor and watch it, then keep reading.


http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

What unravels connection?

Shame.


Whoa.  That is poignant to me.   She said, "shame is the fear of disconnection."  And THIS.  This:
"Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection?"

That is me, to a T.  I cannot tell you how much I identify with that fear.  I distance myself from people even though I literally CRAVE connection with others.  I try to hide in corners.  Hide my body so that people who might not like it won't have to see it if they don't want to.  Then I hide any character flaws (or even character traits) BEHIND that body so they won't have to see or dislike those either.  I try not to laugh too loudly, talk about anything controversial, or offend anyone.

I have accidentally offended people before, and the SHOCK of them telling me I did something so horribly wrong, was so debilitating that I would do anything to avoid that happening again in the future.  It's whenever I get what I sometimes call "confident", and I tend to let my personality loose a bit more, that I get smashed back down by a negative experience of someone getting offended by me in some way.  So I get the idea that there is something inherently wrong with my personality.  And I swing back the other way to humility (or is it humiliation), curl up in my cave, and try to be as small and as quiet as I possibly can.

My therapist told me the other day that he thinks I would naturally probably be more open and free (and extroverted) than I ALLOW myself to be.  It's true, I hold myself back a lot.  I also worry about lack of wittiness and intelligence.  When I am too free to talk, I too frequently say stuff that is stupid cause I didn't think it through, I didn't get the punchline, I don't have the cultural knowledge to understand it, etc.  I think I'm just pretty socially awkward a lot of the time.  I hate that feeling of being laughed at or not taken seriously because my lack of intelligence hindered me in the conversation.  I am afraid to talk about my ideas in case there is something in them that might show a lack of knowledge on my part and I will look like a fool.

I want people to like me, so I try to be a people pleaser.  But do they end up liking me for that?  Not really.  Is it actually possible to please everyone?  Hell no.  (Like my recent usage of the word hell is displeasing to many people I know.)  It's not even possible to completely please the top 5 people I admire the most, all of the time.

Do I have any really close or "best" friends?  No.  Have I ever had any?  Not really.  I've actually thought about talking about this topic for a long time, but here again I was afraid of offending those who were pretty close friends and might feel bad that I didn't think we were really that close.  But if they are honest with themselves, I'm sure they'd also realize we were never really that close.  At least certainly we aren't now.

I don't think I have ever had a best friend.  Not in the way I want at least.  I see other people who have a best friend they can call up anytime and both vent about whatever, they hang out and want to spend time together frequently.  They support each other through hard times and love each other no matter what.  They don't let much time go by without contact.
I have had elements of these things, but never the full thing.  I have even felt like a few different people were MY "best friend", but I knew that I was not theirs.  And I will tell you the truth that it hurts to be in that situation.  I usually tell myself that I'm expecting too much and being ungrateful.

I feel like a whiner to even want this stuff.  I'm a grown woman, why would someone my age and status in life want or need or think she could have a "bestie"?  That's something you either had in high school (or college) or you didn't, and that stage of life is over.

Well, I'm sorry, but that's stupid, and I hope it's not true.  I'd like to have close friends.  Even if I don't have one "bestie", I'm sure a lot of my friendships could be a lot more than they currently are.  But in order for that to happen, both parties have to be willing to be vulnerable.


Now let me be grateful for a minute.  I have a good number of awesome friends.  I love them.  They are wonderful, and I'm so glad to have people that will do things with me, come to game nights, go swimming with me, encourage and support, etc.  I'd like to see some of these grow and blossom into even deeper, more meaningful relationships.  I can't be the only one who wants more connection.  At least I hope not.  I know that logistics and practicality prevent a lot of connection- we're busy people with families, jobs, etc.  But I think we can do better.  In my case at least, technology also gets in the way, and that's really unnecessary to let that happen.




I want to talk for a bit about dating as it relates to this too.  I have had people I felt well-matched with but they didn't agree.  I once kind of asked a guy out and was pretty harshly rejected.  He literally looked me up and down really quickly when I said he should keep me in mind for going hiking with sometime cause I'd love to go with him, and he said "alright" very half-heartedly.  Yeah that went nowhere, and that hurt.  Maybe it was his way of saying, "you don't look like you can do much hiking."  So here's the interesting thing.  After doing that I felt like 100 bucks cause I had been brave enough to (kind of) ask a guy I liked to do something with me.  As I thought about it later I was sad about the rejection, but realized he was being a little bit shallow and I was glad I never did anything with him, cause it would not have been a good match.

So now....it TERRIFIES me....but I think my strategy is going to be one of genuine vulnerability and quick action.  If I like a guy, I'm just going to ask him to do something with me.  And those guys who aren't interested will reject me in one way or another and I will more quickly move on.  Instead of my old strategy of waiting around forever for something to happen, hoping it will, and it never does.  If people can't naturally see the value I have, I am going to have to be more proactive about showing it to them.  And if they are then unwilling to even take a look, they're not worth my time.
I think a similar strategy will work with friends.  In fact, I started to do something kind of like that last summer, spending some fun one-on-one time with a bunch of different friends.  It was really fun and helped me determine better who I would like to be closer to.


Can I also say I'm on the lookout for some 2nd moms?  My mom is gone.  I need great women in my life who care about me and will advise me.  There have been people I would love to take this job.  I'm going to try to be less shy and just pursue those relationships.


Vulnerability means to be authentic.  It is courageous.  Courage is, as Brene' Brown put it, "to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."  There are a couple of distinctions between people who suffer from shame and lack connection, and those who have deep connections to others.  Those with good connection with others know that this vulnerability is important and their vulnerabilities are what make them beautiful.  They also believe they are worthy of love and connection.

So as a person who desires more connection, I am working on these things and will be seeking more and better connection with others.  I am working hard on believing I'm worthy.  I'm not there yet, but making progress.  I think it may be the biggest hurdle of my life.

I do believe that vulnerability is important, but more in theory than in practice.  I think I am more okay with being vulnerable with my weaknesses than with my strengths.  (Weird.)  I don't like to let my personality show a lot in case it's too weird for people, even though I like it just fine.  I don't let my thoughts and ideas show.  But then how will I ever find people who are similar to me and I get along well with, if I'm not being genuine?


This has been a very disorganized post- more of a journal entry than a blog anyone else would really benefit from reading.  Normally I would edit it to be nicer, or even start over from scratch.  But since I'm talking about vulnerablity and authenticity, I'm just going to leave it as-is.  I don't expect there will be many who actually read it to the end.  But perhaps those that do will have some interesting things to say, ideas to talk about, and time to spend with me.  Or perhaps the thoughts here will just get you thinking about your own relationships, ability to be vulnerable, etc.
If I know you and you too are seeking more connection and if I am worthy to be in your inner circle, please do let me know.  I think this life can be much more fulfilling, pleasant, and peaceful than we let it be.

Happy alone

This was shared on Facebook today and was another reminder of something people have been trying to get through my head for a long time.

I like the company of others so much but I end up relying on that for my peace and happiness.  So then when I don't have people around supporting me, I feel my life being very tumultuous and unhappy.  To attempt to fill the void that has been left by ex-husbands, ex-boyfriend, deceased mother, stroke-victim-half-paralyzed father, and lack of close friendships, I feel like I am constantly reaching out.  Reaching out for someone to fill the void for me.  I try to hang out with people, try to be seen as cool in their eyes, always hoping to find a "best friend" - someone that will love me and want me in their life just as much as I love and want them.  That never seems to work out.

So, I turn to social media.  I go to Facebook, I look for anything people have said to me...not much.  I try to start interesting or controversial conversations so people will say stuff.  That sometimes works for a while.  When all that fails, I scroll.  And scroll.  And scroll.  Read articles, look for things to comment on, think of things to say or pictures to post.  Grasping at friendship straws.  And it usually comes up fruitless.  And then I feel frustrated with myself for wasting so much time on Facebook doing "nothing".  This endless social frustration has caused me to deactivate my Facebook account a few times, and make dramatic exits as I go on a 2-week Facebook fast, inviting people to call or text me cause I won't be around.  Strangely enough, usually no one contacts me.  I am not sure if it's because people don't care about me, or if they simply forget I exist since there is no longer anything reminding them of my presence on their timeline feed each day.

This summer I feel I did pretty well with this being alone stuff.  Cause I had the time and resources to actually do a lot of things for myself that I really enjoyed.  We went to the pool at least 3 times a week.  I read several books.  I rode my bike, I worked on projects in my house, and I invited different friends over frequently to do stuff with me.  It was the best summer I've had in a while.  I was trying to be happy and enjoy myself, while inviting others to join me in the fun, but not so much depending on that.  I'm sure I was still trying to fill some voids, but it was definitely better than I am now.  I don't have the time and resources during the school year as much to be alone and enjoy it.

I feel the itch again to leave Facebook.  I get so tired of the superficial relationships it breeds.  It's my fault cause I rely on that and hope that these people who probably don't actually like or care about me that much will want to be actual friends.  A simple "like" does not leave me content.  I want real conversations and intimacy with others.  Real friendship.

But in order to get that and attract other people who want the same instead of the arm's length relationships of social media, I'll have to be genuine to myself and happy alone.  Perhaps people don't want to spend time with me cause they can sense when I'm desperately trying to fill a need, rather than graciously letting them enjoy my awesome company while I enjoy theirs.  The past summer was more about enjoying the company of friends, rather than needing anything, necessarily.

Here's something I found.  When you forgo the things that you want in order to feel included, you can be sure that that balance is out of whack. ... Focus on friendships that let you be more you.

Click for quote and picture source

I have made progress in this area.  There are friends I thought I wanted to be really close to, but after spending some time with them I realized I didn't want to be as close because they are a negative influence or we just don't have much in common.  Others I was surprised to find that we have tons in common and I'm really glad we became friends, cause I never would have thought about seeking them out as a friend before that.

So, I have a goal to be happy with myself and spend more time with myself, my thoughts, etc.  To figure out who I am, what I really want, what I believe, what I enjoy, etc.  To just be alone with myself, without distractions of social media or anything else.  I am going to spend at least 1 hour per week enjoying nature and exploring my thoughts and feelings.  This will probably look like taking a bike ride or hike, and sitting to journal among trees, mountains, rivers, whatever I can find that brings me joy, peace, and serenity.

I am also going to start a list of my beliefs and values.  It's almost like a checklist of reminders for myself of lessons I have already learned and want to remind myself of.  I plan to read it regularly, perhaps even daily.  Almost like the cheesy daily affirmations, but way cooler.  This should help me to solidify who I am and being cool with myself.  Cause if I start repeating something daily it will probably become very quickly apparent whether I actually believe it or not. My hope is that this will get me more in touch with who I am, both so I can be happy alone, and to ensure that I'm not conceding important things about myself just in an attempt to be liked by others.